In family constellations we often refer to an interrupted reaching out movement (IROM). When a baby is born, the parents may not be emotionally or physically able to connect with their new born. The flow of love is interrupted and as a result a complex dynamic unfolds at this critical phase of an infant’s development. When this child becomes an adult they may struggle to connect with others and to access their personal power in meaningful ways.
I deeply relate to this pattern. When I was born my mother was stressed and my father depressed. Growing up I had this feeling of not being wanted. I took this to a family constellation group. A group of women helped receive that infant in me. I was encouraged, loved and told, “you matter.” And that made all the difference to my healing journey.
For those of us who have had the experience of IROM, we are often outwardly active, independent and functional adults, with highly developed coping strategies. Despite this, we may feel something crucial is missing. We have skills and successes, yet there is still a thirst for wholeness. For example, we may have addictive behaviours or struggle in relationships with intimacy and connection.
There are 3 Ego States that we can be in at any given time depending on what is happening around us. We can fall into any of these states, similar to falling into a trance.
The three ego states are –
Wounded Child – the part of us that was wounded in early childhood when caregivers were unable to fulfil the child’s real needs, and that still impacts us in our adult lives.
Adapted Adult – the part of us that denies, abandons and turns against the pain and distress of the wounded child by medicating ourselves in order to not feel.
We can be incredibly creative in how we do that and the list is endless. Here are some ways in which we creatively adjust and medicate ourselves against the wounds of our childhood –
Addictive behaviours such as drugs and alcohol, perfectionism, people pleasing etc
Functional Adult – Is the part of us that behaves appropriately to our age NOW. The FA understands the wounds of their childhood and is able to allow and accept the distress and pain as it comes. The Functional Adult is able to meet the needs of the wounded part of themselves with compassion and acceptance.
When we, in our adult life, are being impacted by the unfulfilled needs of our childhood, we can often fall back into the space of the “wounded child” and this can influence how we operate in the world in that moment.
This is where family constellations can go back and visit that small child and begin the journey towards healing. If we are to live into our full potential in a meaningful way, then we need to re-parent ourselves. We have to let go of some of those out-dated and damaging behaviours.
In the framework of Family Constellations, a trance encounter with the representatives of the parents can have enormous impact when we as the client are given the opportunity to come back to our feelings and primary emotions, whilst at the same time re-learning and experiencing our primary reaching out movements.
When we bridge our inner splits and connect to our deeper self, we begin to experience a greater depth of personal satisfaction and new ways of relating with others and our environment. This can lead to a more enriching and meaningful life as we become more open, creative and spontaneous as opposed to being stuck in old, fixed behaviours stemming from the primary emotions of our past.