Exploring Transgenerational Coaching

It all started with the break up of my 25 years of marriage. “If you want to see a therapist, see one. I’m not unhappy and I hate therapists,” was his answer when I pointed out how messed up our marriage had become. We weren’t communicating, argued in front of our children almost daily, slept in separate bedrooms and walked past one another in stony silence. It was becoming unbearable and lonely to live in the same house as my husband. I was torn between loyalty to my children and family versus loyalty to my well-being.

In my first session with her (let’s call her M) I looked into her sympathetic eyes and said, “my soul is withering. I’m drowning and I need your help.” Yes, she helped me navigate the muddied waters of my marriage. This was the kind of marriage our friends thought was rock solid. They all said, “they will never get divorced, they are such good role models.”

I proved them wrong. Even after I moved out, I continued seeing M once a week. She helped me unpack limiting beliefs that stemmed from my childhood. It helped to off-load the years, the brokenness in my soul.

The day arrived. I left my husband. Guilt and remorse followed my departure. I would lie awake at night obsessing over the psychological damage I was causing my children.

I continued to dutifully show up at M’s office. She started morphing into the mother I never had, and would plough me with advice. “You need to sit down and talk to him…” “You need to have healthier boundaries…” “You must do what’s best for you.”

In her defence, M helped me navigate death, failed relationships and a spiritual path.

After about 5 years I felt the need to move on from therapy. The themes we explored started to become monotonous. As soon as I threw down the gauntlet, she’d up the game. “It’s because you’re still in denial that you want to leave therapy. There could be a turning point if you stayed.”

She saw me through an 8-year dysfunctional partnership and kept on reminding me to, “see his good qualities.” Oh, how I tried. Instead, she could have said, “honour yourself and see your good qualities. How well is this relationship filling you? Do you love him?”

Finally, it happened. After 14 years and meeting the right partner for me, I quit therapy without even saying goodbye. Looking back on all those years, I realise how easy it is to walk away. Make a decision to heal. She never called me and I avoided her. Thanks to M, I moved on to studying counselling, coaching and family constellations. I have integrated all three modalities into my blended approach to healing myself and others.

Instead of running around the same issues in therapy, this form of coaching offers a deeper sense of generational entanglements. It unravels a myriad of complex human issues and offers a deeper approach to reclaiming wholeness. For many this is not an easy path because it forces us to look deeply at old patterns and beliefs. It’s an act of courage to acknowledge the spark of love within each of us, including those who’ve hurt us or let us down.

This is an inner journey worth the effort.